Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
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Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
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I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!
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Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.
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I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
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Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”
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I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”
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I hate people who take drugs. DEA is the worst.
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8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
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Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
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My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!
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I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.
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I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin. People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really. Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie.
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At a disco:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?”
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She: “I had to fart.”
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Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
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A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
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"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
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"I am not Master Ayumu."
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Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
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Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget that I exist and only approach me when they need something.
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A man has usually no idea how often he normally farts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
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A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
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Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were carrying it over!
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Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.
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Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?
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Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.
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