If you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth – just like a garbage bin.
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Pregnant women are the only true body builders.
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Shouldn’t a photographer who specializes in taking photos of school classes be actually called a school shooter?
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Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.
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What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?
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Pregnant women are the only true body builders.
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Shouldn’t a photographer who specializes in taking photos of school classes be actually called a school shooter?
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Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.
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What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?
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Why the hell is there an S in the word ‘lisp’?!
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There are two kinds of people. Some wash their dishes because they just ate; the others wash their dishes because they are just about to eat.
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Interesting, isn’t it, that "take out" refers to food, romantic dating, and assassination.
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My head is very slowly 3D printing my hair.
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Sweater is a pretty disgusting name for a piece of clothing.
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I and Bill Gates have a combined fortune of approximately 80 billion dollars.
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How does the non-stick coating stick to the pan?!I
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f you’re waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn’t you be called the waiter?
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It would be very nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you'd get closer to your destination.
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The goal of golf is to play as little golf as possible.
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Are those who sneeze the most blessed?
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If weights became invisible, a gym would turn into a slow motion disco.
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Has a giraffe ever smelled its own fart?
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Is a paper cut the tree’s way of getting back at you?
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The devil shakes a pitchfork, the grim reaper swings a scythe… So is farming a big thing in the underworld?
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When a pregnant woman takes a bath, she’s become a human submarine.
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When you go to sleep at 4 am, is it going to bed late or early?
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail.
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