Family Problem!
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation. One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..
Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..
''A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife's daughter, my step-mom, had a son.This boy was my half-brother 'cause he was my dad's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom. My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad's wife! & YOU THINK YOU HAVE A FAMILY PROBLEM?"
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No School Today!
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
A child asked to his mother:
-mom! Can you give me some money?
His mom : why?
-I will give to a old man
His mom : well done! Okay, where is the old man ?
-Momm.. He is at the end of the street...He is selling ice-cream
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher
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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your
EX-Husband
EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
——
——
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!
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2 People in One Grave?
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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Changes in Hell
An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.
God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.
The devil replied, "That engineer you sent me."
"What engineer? You’re not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!"
The devil’s answer was simple... "No."
"If you don’t send that engineer back right now, I’m going to be very angry. In fact, I’ll sue you!"
The devil replies, "And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Ticket Please!
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
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Good News / Bad News
A man was summoned to his attorney’s office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."
"That’s the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."
The terrible news is...
"The picture is of you and your secretary!"
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